Last Name

[sweetest-novemb.livejournal.com]

Not sure if this is really the place for it but it is about babynames and I could really use some unbiased advice.

So, I have a 3 year old daughter with my ex-husband. After the divorce I kept my married name so I would have the same last name as my daughter.

Now I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my second daughter now and I cannot figure out what her last name should be. Originally I thought it would be her fathers name but thats before he decided to leave us and join the ARMY. We hadn't talked in a couple of months but have recently started talking a little and it appears that he will have some sort of involovement with his daughter but in reality he will deployed the majority of the time. He is adamant that she have his last name.

Here is my side of the argument:
First, I think that it will be easier on both of my daughters if they have the same last name. That is really my main reason for wanting her to have my last name. I don't want my girls to feel a disconnect because of different names. (at school etc) Secondly, she is going to be with me 99% of the time so it would be nice for her to have my last name for practical purposes.

Here is his side of the argument:
First, a child should have his/her father's last name period. Second, she will already be closer with me because she will be with me all the time so having his last name would give her a connection to him. Third, he hates my ex-husband and doesn't want her to have any connection to him. Lastly, he says Im trying to make her something she isn't by giving her my last name, and that I need to be honest with her up front about the fact that they have two different fathers.

His is dating someone else already and has said some really shitty things about our baby in the past (that she will always be a mistake, saying he wished I had an abortion and that I didnt give him a choice about having her etc etc)However, I'm trying to make a decision that makes sense and is in the best interest of our daughter. I'm really trying to avoid making a decision out of spite.

I think I've included the relevant info. So, what do you think? What should her last name be?

I still haven't been able to come up with a first and middle name because I'm so preoccupied with the last name. I'm running out of time LoL.

Comments

[confusedanswers.livejournal.com]

I say if you have 99% of the care adn he's already abondoned you once, nothing is to say he won't do it again. I say give her your last name.

[helloxkellyyy.livejournal.com]

I say give her your last name. My daughter's having my last name even though I'm married to her father. But hey, I say, if you're carrying her in your uterus for 9 months- you should have the right to decide that. =]

[confusedanswers.livejournal.com]

see that's scary territory for anyone to use. Yes, the mother carries the child for 9 months, but part of being a parent is welcoming your partner, if they are still into your life, to join in on parenting decisions. I'm not trying to get on a soapbox, but I just hate that line if you're carrying her in your uterus for 9 months- you should have the right to decide that..

[kimber-leigh.livejournal.com]

honestly, i don't think it's right for her to have the same last name as a man you're no longer married to and she has no connection with.. (i think that would be more confusing for both girls than anything else).. if it were me i'd give her your maiden name (even though you don't use it) - it's neutral territory..

[sweetest-novemb.livejournal.com]

Yeah, thats what I thought initially but I've had people say that its not weird bc its my last name.(but it still is a little weird) I've considered using my maiden name too (even though I'm not too fond of that connection since I don't even speak to my father)I sortof figured it she won't have my current last name, she might as well have her bio fathers name. You are right though, at least it would be neutral territory.

[tatertot0330.livejournal.com]

I agree with above on the first part but she should have the same last name as her real father...he cant help hes deployed hes fighting for our freedom and cant be there and he made half of her so she should get his last name

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

Did you miss the part where he left her and said shitty things about the baby? Or what, everyone in the army is a saint? Come on. To the original poster, I say, it's your kid, he's an idiot, give her the last name that you want to give her. If you think it's weird that she has the last name of a man she has no connection to, give her your maiden name. But in my opinion, this guy doesn't deserve any favours from you.

[plaidpineapple.livejournal.com]

I agree with the others: give her your last name.

[kimber-leigh.livejournal.com]

keep in mind that if you give her a neutral name now (your maiden name), if she actually does end up developing a strong bond/relationship with her father, when she gets older and if she wants to she can always change her last name to his..

[0o-faerie.livejournal.com]

It struck me that of all the arguments the father gives, not one of them says 'She is my child too and therefore she should have my name' , or anything like that. From your story, he is not happy with it. So if I were you, I should definitely not give her his last name.
It seems strange to give her your ex-husband's name, though, since she has no connection to him at all. On the other hand, that's your name now too, and she does have a connection with you =).
If possible, I'd give her your maiden name, like some other people suggested already. Good luck sorting things out =)!

[eb-girl.livejournal.com]

Unless this guy has a sentimental side that you're not letting us in on, I don't see much reason for her to have his last name. If he's the distant, demanding jerk I picture when reading your post, then screw that! I see no validity in any of his arguments, save the one about wanting to have the connection to her.

If it IS a sentimental request, though, then I would encourage you to consider it. If he actually loves his unborn daughter and really wants to be her father to the best of his ability, then I would be really careful not to refuse his request out of spite. She is his daughter too, after all.

Still, the simple fact is that if she's going to be living with you, life will be easier if she has your last name; especially during her younger years. Ultimately, you can give her whatever last name you darn well please - it doesn't have to come from you OR the father. But people tend to raise eyebrows and ask questions when Ms. Smith comes to pick up little Jane Doe from school/daycare, to name just one example.

[sweetest-novemb.livejournal.com]

He can be a tiny bit sentimental one minute, but the very next day he will tell me how if she ever asks he will tell her that she is a mistake and was never really wanted. He flip flops constantly (think bipolar behavior) which I think is part of the reason that I'm flip flopping too.

and LoL at Jane Doe. I promise I won't do that.

[politicking.livejournal.com]

here's my two cents...

i have a son. his father, father's mother & rest of the family fought me tooth & nail to give my son their last name. we argued, yelled, there was a lot of crying, a lot of guilt trips... i remember the night of our baby shower, coming home & having a screaming match with both him & his mother over the baby's last name.

i finally just caved in. because, according to his father, "we are going to end up married, & when we have more kids, he wants all the kids to have the same last name."

LO-effing-L. we broke up when our son was 1 1/2yrs old. he now has his father's last name, despite only seeing him 3-4 times a month. his father does not have to take him to doctors appts, to sign up for things, his father does not have to show his ID or birth certificate to prove that he is his son. they have the same last name.

ALSO, my current boyfriend... his daughter does not have his last name (long story), but his son does, kind of (it's hyphenated). & it is a little bit of a pain in the ass that his ex has two kids, both of whom have different last names than each other, than their father AND than her. none of them have the same last name. it's really confusing.

ANYWAY. my opinion is, give the kid YOUR last name... OR a hyphenated version of yours & his. in all honesty, who will be doing the majority of the child care? YOU! financially who will be responsible more? YOU! do what will be easier on YOU & the daughter you already have!

[politicking.livejournal.com]

ps) my mother married my father, then they had me. when they divorced, she kept the last name & gave it to my younger brother-- who she had with a boyfriend. it was not weird, because she went by her married name, it was her legal name at the time, so it wasn't weird to her or our family.

[th3-unicorn.livejournal.com]

I say go for your last name, 100%

[opal-kitten.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I have heard of this before. I haven't dealt with it per se, but I have had friends that have dealt with this.

I say give her your last name.

[kitchen-poet.livejournal.com]

I agree 100%. Give her your last name, or if that is too painful, consider changing all three of your names (yours, older daughter, baby) back to your maiden name. If your daughters want your ex's name later on they can change it legally when they are 18. Or you could hyphenate it.....

[indyselsa.livejournal.com]

Were it me, this is what I'd do.

[mrsduryee.livejournal.com]

I am a traditionalist. I think that children should have their father's last name. However, in this case I totally agree that you three girls should share a last name, which happens to be your ex-husband's last name. If i were you, I would just think of it as having the same last name as him, rather than it being HIS last name. That way you and your daughters can stick together without confusion. If it really bothers you that she doesn't have any connection with her sister's dad, then I think you should give her her dad's last name, even though he walked out. She should share a name with SOMEONE, out of a connection (yours) or the standard of the law (his).

[indyselsa.livejournal.com]

"If i were you, I would just think of it as having the same last name as him, rather than it being HIS last name."

That's an excellent way of thinking about it.

[home-to-me.livejournal.com]

I'd give her your last name. Unless your ex (meaning the first daughter's dad) is weird about that.

[sweetest-novemb.livejournal.com]

Luckily my ex is totally ok with it(so one less thing to worry about). He thinks its important for the two girls to share a last name even if this one isn't his child.

[heyitsrebecca.livejournal.com]

How does your ex feel about it? If he's okay with it, I say give the baby his last name.

I wish I would have given my 2nd daughter my ex's last name. He wants to adopt her now but her dad says no.. too bad.

But if your ex is uncomfortable with it.. how about giving the baby her own last name? Like a name from your family history somewhere? It's an option.. =)

[indyselsa.livejournal.com]

"a child should have his/her father's last name period."

Yeah, well, that comes out of the "a father should stay with his kids period" mentality, and you can see where that went.

I say give your daughter your last name. If you really want to give her a connection to him, why not give her his last name as a middle name, and make her last name the same as the rest of her household?

[smasharash.livejournal.com]

Is it not possible to change you and your daughters last name to your maiden name? Then all three of you can have that.

[smasharash.livejournal.com]

But if not, she should have your name.

[tryyingtoevolve.livejournal.com]

Okay, maybe it's just the feminist in me talking, but give her your last name. I've never understood why the father gets to pass down his name to the kid when THE MOTHER is the one who goes through nine months of pregnancy, when THE MOTHER goes through 17+ hours of labor, and when THE MOTHER is usually the primary caregiver. Fuck that shit! What exactly did he do? Have an orgasm? Ooohhh, that's SUCH HARD WORK.

Give her your last name. If he's being that much of a dick about it, do you really want her to have any connection to him at all? I've considered changing my last name to my great-grandmother's maiden name (Emerson), but I love my dad a lot and I want to keep his last name. However, if my dad was that much of a dick and said all of those things, you'd better believe I'd change it.

Use your last name. It makes sense for you, it makes sense for your daughter, and fuck what makes sense for your ex-boyfriend.

[peytonlee.livejournal.com]

As long as its ok with your ex husband, (bc it really is HIS last name) go ahead and do it. The father doesnt deserve to get his way just because he wants to argue. He left you and is already with someone else. Stop stressing about the last name, give her yours, and chose a FULL name! You're 35 weeks pregnant sweetie! She's coming soon!

[sweetest-novemb.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the positive words. This is not at all how I pictured my pregnancy would be so I haven't been the happiest or relaxed. I do need stop stressing and come up with a name soon!

Luckily my ex-husband is totally ok with her having his/my last name if thats what I choose to do. He thinks our daughter should have the same last name as her half sister. At least one less thing to worry about =)

[kimber-leigh.livejournal.com]

yes, do you have any ideas for first and middle names at all???

btw, the girls won't be disconnected because of last names, unless you make them feel seperate.. i have three younger brothers.. 2 have the same last as me and the other one doesnt.. i'm actually closer with the one that has a different last name because we grew up together.. so, names don't really matter.. it's the connection from sharing life so close together.. hope this makes you feel better.. :)

[katiesthoughts.livejournal.com]

Give it your last name.

[rubytitania.livejournal.com]

I can see how it would be nice for you all (you and your kids) to have the same last name. I can think of a few options:

1: You could give the baby your last name (your ex-husbands name). I don't think it's that big a deal that she's not his. It's your last name now for whatever reason.

2: You could revert to using your maiden name, give that to the baby too, and change your daughter's surname to match. It's not unheard of. I suppose it partly depends on your relationship with your ex. If he's not in the picture then it may not be such a big deal, but if you're on good terms and he does his bit as her dad then it may be kind of insulting to him.

3. You could just give your baby your maiden name and keep yours and your other child's as they are. Plenty of siblings have different surnames so it's not a huge deal. It just depends how you feel about it.

4. Use the dad's name. Personally, I don't think this is the option I'd go with, for reasons laid out by plenty of people already.

Good luck!

[anapology.livejournal.com]

Hmm.. I see both sides of the argument but i think she should have your name, with his as a middle. Even if she has four names.. that way she has a connection to him but it's easier for you.

[aquilinum.livejournal.com]

I think you already know that he's acting like the last name issue is a battle to be won, not something that he thinks would be best for your daughter.

Do you want to surrender, tired of fighting about it, just so that he can win his little battle — or do you want to do what you think will most resonate with the daughter YOU are allowing (despite him) to live?



Your last name, or your maiden name. And if you find your spine wilting (sounds like he's — in many ways — in attack-ready mode and doing what he can to train up mentally not to back down), don't hesitate to come back and ask for support. It's not just about his ego or your wishes; it's about a human being who deserves to have her most permanent and obvious public family connection with the person who actually wanted her alive.

[sevensevenfour.livejournal.com]

I don't think I could agree with this comment more. I definitely think he's just using it as a way to win one on you. If he doesn't even want the baby, what does it matter if she has a "connection" to him? Seems silly to me. *shrugs*

[satunian.livejournal.com]

Hmm I really can't tell you what to do, but what I would do, personally, is I would convert back to my maiden name, give my new daughter my maiden name, and as for your first daughter, well, she was born to her father, and was given his last name at birth, so you could keep it as such, or you could change her name to your maiden name as well... I'd probably ask her what she would prefer. That's just what I would do though...