Last Name

[sweetest-novemb.livejournal.com]

Not sure if this is really the place for it but it is about babynames and I could really use some unbiased advice.

So, I have a 3 year old daughter with my ex-husband. After the divorce I kept my married name so I would have the same last name as my daughter.

Now I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my second daughter now and I cannot figure out what her last name should be. Originally I thought it would be her fathers name but thats before he decided to leave us and join the ARMY. We hadn't talked in a couple of months but have recently started talking a little and it appears that he will have some sort of involovement with his daughter but in reality he will deployed the majority of the time. He is adamant that she have his last name.

Here is my side of the argument:
First, I think that it will be easier on both of my daughters if they have the same last name. That is really my main reason for wanting her to have my last name. I don't want my girls to feel a disconnect because of different names. (at school etc) Secondly, she is going to be with me 99% of the time so it would be nice for her to have my last name for practical purposes.

Here is his side of the argument:
First, a child should have his/her father's last name period. Second, she will already be closer with me because she will be with me all the time so having his last name would give her a connection to him. Third, he hates my ex-husband and doesn't want her to have any connection to him. Lastly, he says Im trying to make her something she isn't by giving her my last name, and that I need to be honest with her up front about the fact that they have two different fathers.

His is dating someone else already and has said some really shitty things about our baby in the past (that she will always be a mistake, saying he wished I had an abortion and that I didnt give him a choice about having her etc etc)However, I'm trying to make a decision that makes sense and is in the best interest of our daughter. I'm really trying to avoid making a decision out of spite.

I think I've included the relevant info. So, what do you think? What should her last name be?

I still haven't been able to come up with a first and middle name because I'm so preoccupied with the last name. I'm running out of time LoL.

Comments

[samaside.livejournal.com]

I would not give my child the last name of someone I was no longer married to and who has absolutely no connection to the child.

Now, a child should not necessarily have their father's last name if the father is not involved. If he is going to be involved at all, it would be nice for her to have that connection. But why give her the name of a man she's not in any way related to? How awkward is that going to be to explain to her when she gets older? I agree with her father that it is better for the kids to have different last names. They have different fathers. If it were your maiden name it would be different but this is the name of a man who is in no way connected to this second little girl.

Also, having grown up in a military family, I know how important it is to military people that someone carry on in the family. Even if it is a little girl. Names mean something. I don't know the circumstances of his 'running off' to join the military but you said it like it was a bad thing. If anything, it's a convienent explaination for your daughter having a different last name. If anyone asks why her father isn't around, you just say that he's in the army and it works as an explaination all on its own.

Personal opinion, as always.

[pythianlegume7.livejournal.com]

Why don't you all change your last name to something completely different? If you don't have any attachment to your last name now or your maiden name, I see no reason why you can't just make up a new one.

[red-inuzuka.livejournal.com]

I would give her your maiden last name, or the father's, but not the exs. When my mother remarried, I could have taken on my step dad's last name, but it never crossed my mind. I love my dad, he is awesome, and I am very proud to have his last name, even if my brothers and sisters don't have the same name. If my mom had forced me to take my step dad's last name (I was about 13 when they got married) I would have been very hurt to have someone who isn't even a part of me part of my name. You will, most likely, eventually need to tell the girls they have different fathers, and while it can get complicated, have faith that the kids will be able to get over it. I have six brothers and sisters of various degrees of relation, and while it gets interesting to explain, that's just how it is. Nothing I would do to change it, even if I could. Plus, how does the ex feel? Maybe he doesn't want a child not even his with his name. Most men I know wouldn't--it appears to show paternity and responsiblity for that child.

[missinfinity.livejournal.com]

After having read the comments here, if I were in your shoes, I'd pick a new surname, change mine and give it to the new baby. Then I'd see about adding the new name to my first daughter's name (a hyphen, maybe, that's there but not used? I know some people who do that.)

Pick something that means something to you. But I'd never take the baby's dad's name. Jerk.

Any ideas about a first name? What is your other child's name?

[ugottafriend.livejournal.com]

No way in heck would I let the "sperm donor" have a say so. He left you AND that baby. He doesn't deserve to be in that child's life, much less give the child his name! He's out of his freaking mind!

Ultimately, do what you want to do. Your kids will be fine with their last names. And honestly, if one of them wants to change it later, they can. It costs money, but it's not hard of a process. Good luck!

[emilyintheglass.livejournal.com]

He says he wants to be involved, but will he be paying child support? Will you be garnishing his wages? Will he be there for the birth?

If the answer is no, I would cut ties, ask him to sign over his rights, and give the child your maiden name.

Does your ex and his daughter have any sort of relationship? Is he financially supporting her? If so, I wouldn't change her name. I think that would be an insult to him.

I don't subscribe to the theory that everyone change back to your maiden name. What happens if you get married again? This will only complicate the naming convention for the family.

Don't worry about the girls having different names. They will know they are sisters. Kids are resilient...if this last child only knows life with this last name and you explain why that last name is different, odds are he/she will accept your explanation and move on.

Good luck.

[sweetest-novemb.livejournal.com]

No he wont be there for the birth. He is supposed to be coming home when she is about a month old and will see her then. He hasn't provided any financial support at this point (baby supplies, pregnancy needs, medical bills etc) He says he will though which really he has no choice. According to the ARMY is he has a child he has to provide support even if there is no court order.

I'm not big on the maiden name thing either. I can't change my first daughter's name, hers will stay the same. I'm really trying to take into account all the great advice I got here. I'm thinking I may still use my last name for her last name and make her middle name her dads last name, or maybe hypenate. I've just never been a big fan of hypenated names.

[freezemyazaleas.livejournal.com]

I think you and both your children should go by your unmarried name.

[wolf-shadow.livejournal.com]

FWIW, in the past it was common to give the child the father's name as a middle name when the parents weren't married - it happened to my grandmother. She ended up with two middle names, the latter of which was her father's name. Alternatively, a friends of mine, when she remarried, hyphenated her sons names with their step-father's, so they now have partially the same name as their mother, but retain her ex-husband's surname as well. You could do this, if you wished with your elder child, and revert to your maiden name. Only thing is, I believe you may need her father's consent to change her name as a minor, but I'm not certain of the law with you on this...

[sweetest-novemb.livejournal.com]

I like the idea of using his name as her middle name...hmmmm

[sheshellabella.livejournal.com]

personally, I'd change my name back to my maiden name, give my already born daughter my maiden name as a surname, which she could choose to use or just stick with the last name she's already got, and I'd give the unborn baby my maiden name as well. I'd like to bitch slap your baby's father, if you don't mind me saying so.
BTW, if you need help naming your kiddo, you've come to the right place.
Keep your head up :).

[leeloofe.livejournal.com]

There were so many comments I haven't read through them all to see if anyone has the same advice as mine: hyphenate! I'd give your child the father's name hyphenated with your surname as the second name. That way they can choose which to go by as she gets older.

My reasoning:

(Sorry this is so long but like your situation, this one is a bit convaluted.)

My sister had a similar dilemma. She had two children to two different men and is now engaged to be married (she intends on taking his name). Her first child (Dani - 9 yo) she gave the father's surname. The second child (David -6 yo), her maiden name.

Dani's father has nothing to do with her (not to mention turned out wasn't her bio dad). Dani is upset that she has a his last name. My sister is letting her choose any last name she wants (keep the name she has, her bio dad's surname, maiden name or married name).

If my sister had just had used her last name hyphenated with the father's name it would have been easier to transition names and she would have been connected (by name) to my sister the whole time.

Good luck!

[hotchpot.livejournal.com]

I think the child should have its fathers name or your maiden name, but DEFINITELY not the name of a man she has no ties to. That's just weird.