last names..

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

please feel free to ask me to delete this is its not an ok post..

I was talking with the bf today about last names and how changing my last name is the one thing that I don't like about the idea of getting married. I love my last name, (Motyczka) and have had moments of dread picturing the day that its no longer there. I feel like it is such a huge part of me, atleast I feel it is and have a huge attachment too it. Ive contemplated the idea of keeping it and adding my husbands name. My SO and I have talked future plans and def. plan to be together forever at this point (yes i know, you never know what can happen) So at this point, if i were to take both our names, i would be Tara Lynn (mn) Motyczka Kurtas. And while that makes me happy having both names, I think my SO was a little.. not disappointed but a little sad seeming that I didn't seem keen on having just his name. (his sister got married and changed her name just this summer) He kept going on about how he was the only boy in his family to carry on his name and how if he has 2 girls for children it would stop with him.
So anyway I had a couple questions.

Is is customary for the maiden name to come first than your husbands name?
Does your husband usually take on your name as well or would, for instance, I be Tara Motyczka Kurtas and he Steve Kurtas?
I noticed one of the last posts a long hypenated name of both family's (  i believe) names, How do you feel about parents who might have names as in the last question, and what would you think the kids' last names should be? Do you think long hyphenated names are bad?

This may seem stupid, but its something that means a lot to me and as I get closer to feeling like I am with THE ONE, and an engagement seems more possible, I think about it more and more.

Thanks!

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/___heyvanity/]

Actually, I think you got lucky because Motyczka is a little long but Kurtas is pretty short and sweet. I don't think there's anything wrong with using a hyphenation for your name.

I believe it is custom for your maiden name to come first, then his last name. I have not met any men that took on the hyphentated version of their last name and their wives. And as for how I feel about long hyphentated last names - I'm kind of indifferent. If I was to hyphenate my last name with my fiances, it would be way too long and jumbled. But if you like the way it flows, I don't see a problem with it.

I'm kind of stuck like you - I want to keep my last name but it's just too long and I'm not sure about it. I will probably end up taking my fiances last name though. It will be so wierd!!!

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

thanks for replying! I wasn't sure how it went if I changed my name and if he would to. Not that I'd make him take mine. I just wasnt sure. I'm worried about kids though cause my mom works at a school and she's commented on how so many kids have last names differnt from their mom's and then when the mom comes in to like pick up the kid or something, unless they know the parent, sometimes they have issues cause they dont have the same name.

[http://users.livejournal.com/___heyvanity/]

Well it sounds like if you hyphenate your last name you wouldn't have an issue. If you had a child and decided to give it the hyphenated name, obviously, you wouldn't have a problem. And if you decided to give the child your husband's last name, there would be an issue either because your last name would contain part of it.

My mom kept her ex-husband's last name for my sister. After they got divorced she didn't want people to get confused and she felt like it was good for my sister to know that she's still "part of the family" type deal. So she has her ex's last name and my dad's last name hypenated.

[pianokitten.livejournal.com]

i think it is perfectly fine to keep your last name and hyphenate w/your SO's last name... i also think it's completely fine to hyphenate your kids' names, or just let them take your SOs last name. I don't know if it's important for you to have kids that carry on your last name or not, it just seems like you're more interested for YOU to keep your last name.

[pianokitten.livejournal.com]

side note, i was more than happy to take my husband's last name... i hated my last name, primarily because people would mis-pronounce it, as easy as it is.

maiden name for me is Baldwin, new last name is Calvert, and i LOVEEEEEEE it. For some weird reason, the L would ALWAYS get left out of Baldwin! how annoying!!!

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

haha thats crazy ppl mis pronounced Baldwin. I kinda like that no one can pronounce my name :P Its said like "Moh tis kuh" but we've heard everything from motizzykuh, to motorcycle, to motizahkuh.

[pianokitten.livejournal.com]

tell me about it!! I just remember being 6 at my grandpa's funeral service, and the pastor kept saying "Mr. Balwin" ...again, me being 6, i'm thinking we're at the wrong place or something, i was getting so frustrated! then it just continued into my adult-life. Now I get "Colvert" or "Colvent" but I assume it's just people who don't know how to read my handwriting (even though I have excellent handwriting, IMO, lol)

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

aww thats crazy! is it a weird accent thing or something? lol people having trouble saying d's :P oh man. maybe people got lazy sayin your name and theyre just not uhm is it anunciating(?) and so it sounds like there's no d!

[pianokitten.livejournal.com]

no seriously, normal english speaking individuals, who are fans of the Baldwin Bros actors, know how to say BalDwin, just never include it!! drove me up a wall i tell ya!

[thellamaqueen.livejournal.com]

lol same here. I went from a fairly-simple-but-nobody-ever-pronounced-it-right last name, to an uncommon-but-easily-pronounceable last name, and I'm happy about it.
(maiden name was Willison, which always came out as "Wilson" or "Williamson" - new name is Beedon).

[pianokitten.livejournal.com]

isn't it just the silliest thing ever?! i think people read too much into the names because of all the phonetically spelled names now. I mean really, Baldwin... not THAT HARD. Neither is Willison! I totally wouldn't mess it up, like i'm sure you wouldnt mess up Baldwin. come on people, you can do it! hahah

[holidaylights.livejournal.com]

I like hyphenated/added-on names. I know a few couples who have taken each others' names, as well as more where just the woman keeps her name but adds her husband. (Personally, I'm keeping my name just the way it is - hypothetical future husband can deal.)

For kids, I think hyphenated names, again, sound fine, but I imagine that's a bridge you can cross when you come to it. For what it's worth, my parents took a fairly bizarre route in concocting my last name, and it's never caused any real problems.

Basically, do what makes you happy. It's your name!

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

do you mind commenting on what your parents did for your last name? I'm worried about kids cause my mom works at a school and she's commented on how so many kids have last names differnt from their mom's and then when the mom comes in to like pick up the kid or something, unless they know the parent, sometimes they have issues cause they dont have the same name.

[holidaylights.livejournal.com]

I don't want to get too specific, because I try to stay anonymous online, but I'll just say that no one in my family has the same last name, and it's never been the cause for anything more than momentary surprise. My parents were pretty involved though, so maybe that was why it wasn't an issue.

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

oh okies :) thanks for replaying. I can understand wanting to be anonymous online.

[erinleighralph.livejournal.com]

I had a different last name from my mother growing up and it wasn't a problem. You explain it once (eg she kept her maiden name, we didn't take it) and that's it.

[harinakshi.livejournal.com]

I had my father's name and my mom had her own maiden name. It did cause a lot of problems and confusion...especially since my father was never in my life so my name has never matched my parent's. My son has her maiden name (I didn't want him to have my maiden name as I HATED it and his father wasn't in the picture either so he certainly wasn't getting his, and I went by my mom's name for half my life so I went with her name for his) but now I'm married and definitely took on my husband's name, very glad to be rid of my maiden name. Having different names has caused a lot of confusion in just the two years he's been in school. I plan on fixing this next year, though.

[harinakshi.livejournal.com]

It is definitely customary to take your husband's name, that's just the way it's always been. But with more modern families and ways of thinking, it's not unheard of to not take the name or to take other routes.

I know one woman who kept her name because she'd had it for over 30 years, it was her and she couldn't see changing that. I've heard of one couple where the husband was going to take on his wife's name...that is actually harder then you would think. It's a simple piece of paper and a signature for women, but for men it's practically a fight. I've also heard of couples hyphenating their names, or even creating their own last name to take on when they get married. Most times the children do take on the father's name, or the hypenated name. If you wanted to, you could hyphenate your name and then your kids can just take on his name to keep it simple, and since you'll have both names, people will see you do share at least one last name and save on the confusion and problems that can come with them having a different last name than you and that way your future husband won't have to worry about his name dying out with him. Which, I can understand, my husband is the last of his name and we're having our second daughter, LOL, but, he's gotten over it.

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

I meant customary in terms of when you hypenate the name :) in regards to which comes first.

I didn't know it was so hard for the man to change his name!

[et-tu-lulu.livejournal.com]

I plan on hyphenating my name when I get married next year. My FH is ok with it and we don't plan on having kids so no issues there. For me, it is important to take his last night (because I want to) but also keep my last name as it is mine and I also have a child that has my last name and I want to keep it for him as well.

I have heard of a few guys taking their wife's name and hyphenating the whole thing, but I don't think it is very common. I think it is cool.

[solitudete.livejournal.com]

I plan on either hyphenating my last name or creating a new last name out of mine and my SO's.

[lustdumpster.livejournal.com]

hyphenated last names are becoming more an more common, so if you chose to do that i don't think anyone would bat an eyelash.

i strongly dislike it, though. i see wanting to keep your last name, but i'd just keep my last name and not take my husband's at all if that's what i wanted. hyphenated last names seem so jumbled and messy to me, when i worked at a call center i had to refer to people by mrs last name and whenever someone with a hyphen called it would just make me mad, lol. i realize i'm in the minority there, though.

the husband doesn't usually take the hyphenated last name, from what i've seen, but there are men who take their wife's last name so i'm sure it's been done before. as for children's names, i think i would decide when the time came to have them. when you're thinking of names, do the names you like work with the long hyphenated last name, or does whatever kurtas sound better? you always have the option of giving your kid your maiden name as a middle with kurtas as a last name as well.

[snoglobel.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything you said - except...

Some of the kids at my brother's school had hyphen last names when their mom kept her own name. So when they get married their wives could have a hyphen name without meaning to.

Ex: mom doe, dad smith, kids: john doe-smith and wife mrs. doe-smith. After seeing that (which I know is the rare case) I can't get mad as much any more.

[penguiny7.livejournal.com]

If you keep your maiden name and add your husband's name, then you ought to put your maiden name first and husband's name last. I think Motyczka-Kurtas sounds nice, and I don't think it's too long or anything. I've also heard of people adding their maiden name as a second middle name and taking the husband's last name. My personal opinion though is that you take your husband's name only and your kids have your husband's name too.

[lilacmermaid.livejournal.com]

My Mom hyphenated her last name when she married my Dad, but she kind of uses the hyphenated name and Dad's last name interchangeably (most people know her as Mrs Lastname, but her ID and stuff has both). My brother and I have our Dad's last name.

I think my Mom did it largely because my grandfather and all of his brothers all had daughters, so there was no one to carry on his name. But then it ends with her anyway ... I don't know if there was any debate between them when it came to naming my brother and me.

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

I think any kids would just have his last name :) It really is more of me wanting to keep my name. I don't really need to force it on anyone else :P

[kaoriz.livejournal.com]

My mother didn't take my father's last name, really and I have both of their last names, though I don't use a hyphen so it's like Sacha Baron Cohen's name and Helena Boham Carter's name. It's special to me to be able to honor and represent both of my families.

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

outta curiosity, Is there really any difference in having the hypen or not? While I don't really like the hypen, I kinda feel like Tara Motyzcka Kurtas doesnt seem correct either lol. Tara Motyczka-Kurtas seems more like a last name for me, but doesnt look right either :P haha i dunno what to do!

[kaoriz.livejournal.com]

Well hyphens are generally for married names so it'll work for you. No hyphen is more for hereditary, that is, passing down the name. It's all so complicated! In some places, women keep their last name and become for example, Tara Motyzcka de (of) Kurtas.

[skittlebox.livejournal.com]

I can't take my fiance's name because my name + his last name becomes a word and I'll get sick of people being all "LOL YOUR NAME IS _______________". It amuses me, but I'm sure I'd get sick of other people pointing it out over time, like.. well duh, what makes you think I never noticed??

I'm probably going to stick to just keeping my own last name because that cuts out all the name change stuff which would get irritating when you always have to provide extra info on forms about previous names. And I like my last name.

I'd prefer to give my kids both of our last names, unhyphentated, as the commenter above described with Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Boham Carter. Both my fiance and I are the only ones in our families to have kids, and I'm the last in my family with my last name, so I would like to see my name carried on as well. And I fgirue as the kids get older they can decide which name they prefer, either the one, or both, and they can use what they like.

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

Is there a difference besides the way it looks really to having a hypen or not? I almost feel like no hypen looks incomplete or something. I cant think of the word to really describe it but I think it feels like the first last name becomes like a middle name. lol Did that make any sense?

[devaretha.livejournal.com]

The bottom line is, you can do whatever feels right to you. If you love your name, keep it. If you want to hyphenate. Do it. It's 2009. Most of my married female friends didn't change their names at all. They thought it quaint and sentimental that I hyphenated. In terms of the children's names. You can either hyphenate, give them your maiden name as a middle name or just give them your SO's name. Either way it'll be fine. These are modern times and folks understand these decisions are not as straight forward as they used to be. Good luck deciding ;0)

[soul-inside.livejournal.com]

this is how hyphenated names work:
husband last name: Garcia Lopez
wifes last name: Gonzalez Blanco
When they marry, their names stay the same, thats customary.
There children twould be Garcia Gonzalez. If the wufe really wants to change her last name shed become Gonzalez de Garcia (i think).
If I were you- Id keep your last name- like others have said- hyphens are a mess and people dont get the concept of two last names.
For your kids, give them his last name or hyphenate with his last name first.
The problem w hyphenating your last name is that youd be Motyczka Kurtas but your kids would be Kurtas Motyczka- thats the standard- dads last name first... unless you just wanted to give them their fathers last name.

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

I dont think people dont understand hypenated names nowadays. I think its definitely pretty common.
lol you confused me a little with your example though..
Also Ive never heard of the kids hypenating with the fathers name first then the mothers. everyone seemed pretty much the same in saying theyd be either jsut his last name or Motyczka-Kurtas like me.

[soul-inside.livejournal.com]

"I dont think people dont understand hypenated names nowadays."
You confused me with your double negation! But I figured it out. Perhaps. That hasnt been my experience with my husband being Mexican with two last names. People have been like, "which one should I put down?" or "which one do you go by" But I am just one person with one experience. But people have seemed to be just as confused over 2 last names in the US as much as the have been appauled by my one last name in Mexico. I have had to put my mom's names on documents just to appease them the same as my husband has just put one of his last names in the US.
But in the Latin world, that is how it works. For the kids, father's last name first and mother's second. What other cultural groups hyphenate? I dont know- but it would be worth finding out. In the US we really can do whatever we want.. but we might have to spend the rest of our lives explaining it to other people if it goes against the norm.
Definately get more opinions from people with first hand knowledge of hyphenated names- I think many comments here havent actually experienced what goes into a hyphenated name and are just throwing ideas out there.

[mykissmightkill.livejournal.com]

I dont really wanna push my name onto him. It really is something just for me b/c I have such a connection to it. however I do see what youre saying when it comes to being a family and all having the same name to. ughhh lol so much to think about and ponder over. le sighs

[kitchen-poet.livejournal.com]

My husband and I both took our hyphenated last name. I'd actually feel a little weird/offended if he was opposed to hyphenation, but thought I should hyphenate mine...but that's just me. Equality was important in our marriage, so we viewed each taking the other's name as part of that equality.


In theory, our kids would have also had our hyphenated name, except we've discovered that having a hyphenated surname is pretty much a giant pain in the ass. No one can spell it, pronounce it, enter it on official forms, etc. etc. Official forms come with three separate versions of our name because every office handles a hyphen differently; Mine-His (our official name), Mine His, or Minehis. So now we're in the process of taking his great grandmother's maiden name as our (single) last name, and I'm ok with it. I love the *idea* of a hyphenated name, just not the reality of it.

[ahsavka.livejournal.com]

1. So far, when I see "two names in a row" style names, it goes: MaidenName Dudename.
2. I've seen husbands take the hyphenated combo or double last name, and also not. Different each time.
3. Long hyphenated names are fine, just as long names are fine - but yours isn't that long, and it's cool. A kid would be fine with it. But it's also fine if you're Tara Lynn Motyczka Kurtas and s/he's Baby Kurtas. I've seen this before, too. No option you can create here is going to cause riots, so do what feels best.

Your name is awesome. Keep it! One then the other, hyphenated, or just yours -- all good. I love my last name, too. Heck, I even want to pass it to my kids, but I'm a girl, so "traditionally" I not only don't pass it, I don't even get to keep it for myself. That's just plain goofy. (Side note: if you want to change names, that is awesome, and I support you 100%. A woman taking a man's name is not bad - all I dislike is that women are pressured into abandoning their family names, and given no hope at passing them on to their kids. You should do whatever you and your SO think is the most awesome.)

If you are worried about matching your kids, hyphenate or list both for yourself. You might get yours in the wrong 'form', maybe just Kurtas or a hyphen when you have none, but seriously, that's not a big deal. If your husband is sad that you won't match exactly ... he can take your name, too.

Or, if you're feeling really wild, smush them together. Motyczka Kurtas -> Motyzkurtas? Kurtyzcka. Awesome. (I am jealous: hyphenating and "smushing" are both hilariously bad, for me!)