Most awkward "OMG YOU STOLE MY NAME" drama story I've ever heard

[thismakebelieve.livejournal.com]

A girl at work just told me this story. She said to post it on my "message boards I use" and see what people think.

Her friend is currently 37 weeks pregnant, so in other words, baby could come any day. At about 10 weeks pregnant, they decided that whether the baby was a boy or a girl, they would name the baby Ryan. They found out at 21 weeks that the baby is a boy and started getting all sorts of things with his name on them. They also always refer to the baby as Ryan instead of as "the baby." Everyone who talks to them has known the baby as Ryan since about 10 weeks.

At 20 weeks, her husband's brother's wife (so, her-sister-in law) found out that she was also pregnant. She was 4 weeks at the time. Her friend was REALLY excited that they would be having babies so close together. They are not super close, but they do see each other at least two-three times a month for family things.

At 6 weeks, the sister-in-law started telling EVERYONE that she was pregnant; coworkers, family, strangers, etc. They didn't name the baby or anything at that point. Sadly, when she went in at 10 weeks for her dating ultrasound, they found that there was no yolk sac and no heartbeat. They were devastated. A few days after the ultrasound they miscarried.

A week after the miscarriage the sister-in-law and her husband held a memorial service at their church. Everyone in the family went to show their support, as well as many of their friends. However, it was very jarring when the friend arrived and saw that it was a memorial service for "Ryan Lastname." She sat through the service, then talked to the sister-in-law after, and no one pointed out that they had used the name Ryan.

A few days after that, the sister-in-law called the friend and said to her that her and her husband "weren't sure" if they were still planning on naming their baby Ryan, and asked if they wouldn't mind CHANGING the name since it would always remind them of their miscarriage.

Now, at this point, the friend was already into the third trimester and had been referring to this baby as Ryan from the get-go. The baby has never had any other name in their minds. She explained that she would talk to her husband and get back to them. They talked and decided they were sticking to Ryan, so the friend called her sister-in-law back to let them know.

Well... the sister in law is livid. She's telling everyone in the family that the friend stole her dead baby's name, and that she BEGGED them to change it, and they refuse. She said she can't even be in the family anymore because she will always have to be around the name of her dead baby.

Now there is huge awkwardness in the family and her friend is beside herself, not knowing what the right thing to do would be at this point.

Thoughts?

Comments

[penguiny7.livejournal.com]

So the sister-in-law knew that the friend was naming their baby Ryan when she decided to think of her lost baby as Ryan? If so, then she is totally out of line in asking the friend to change her baby's name. I don't know why she would have thought she wanted to name her baby Ryan before she lost it when she was going to have a nephew named Ryan. It's very sad for her that she lost her baby and that the name will remind her of her lost baby, but as time goes on it will get easier for her to think of her lost baby and not break down about it (I've had two miscarriages, so I know how it is). How crazy that she's mad about this.

[thismakebelieve.livejournal.com]

I know, it just seems really wacky to me too. Although I can't help but think that the woman has some sort of weird thing going on in her head, to even use the name Ryan that she knew was going to be the name of her nephew in the first place. And to "announce" that at the service. Evidently NO ONE had heard any mention of her lost baby being called Ryan before that.

[sarahness.livejournal.com]

Wow.

Their baby was named Ryan before hers was, even if it wasn't on the birth certificate yet. She knew they were going to name their baby Ryan, so maybe she shouldn't have named her's Ryan. SHE'S the name stealer, if you ask me.

All that said, Ryan is a pretty common name. She's bound to come across them every now and then, and if hearing the name will trigger memories of her beloved baby, maybe she should have chosen a less popular name.

I understand that losing a baby is the worst thing a parent can go through, and I feel terrible for her loss, but really, get over the name.

[thismakebelieve.livejournal.com]

My coworker said it has taken every ounce of self-control her friend has to NOT mention to the sister-in-law that she actually "stole" the name.

[gaspardgroupie.livejournal.com]

Woah. That is so bizarre. I would have been really freaked out, upset and angry.

Didn't the friend's husband's brother realise the connection? I guess he has a closer relationship to his brother...and should have realised that they absolutely could not have used Ryan.

I'm going to leave this for a while. I'm finding it difficult to form a coherent sentence.

[thismakebelieve.livejournal.com]

The two men are like... completely uninvolving themselves haha. My coworker said her friend's husband thinks the sister-in-law has always been at least slightly insane and he thinks she did it on purpose.

[snoglobel.livejournal.com]

This is obviously from one point of view, and I am sure we would see another side to the story if we heard it from the SIL herself. However - they knew this was a possibility, because they knew of the family's intention to use Ryan. If it were up to me, I would not have named the fetus anything at so early a stage. (My mom miscarried a boy at 18 weeks and didn't name it anything... and then ended up using the intended name for my younger brother)

I guess I feel like: "too bad". It's just a name. And a fairly common one at that. I feel bad for the husband and his brother, getting caught up in the situation. It almost sounds as though SIL was looking for a reason to get mad and split up the family. When the living child is around most people will forget the dead fetus, and hopefully even its mother can get beyond it and have more children.

I would definitely still use the name.

[thismakebelieve.livejournal.com]

I wish I could hear the story out of the sister-in-law.

[ragekat.livejournal.com]

That is crap and that girl is a heinous bitch, IMO.

If it were me, I'd keep the name and stand my ground.

[harinakshi.livejournal.com]

It might seem really heartless of me, but I think it was stupid to even hold a service for a miscarriage. I mean, she was 10 weeks, not even out of the first trimester, that type of m/c is so common, if everyone had a funeral service for every single m/c? UGH. It's stupid. Then to NAME the baby. She didn't give birth first, that I can understand, when it's more of a stillborn than a m/c. Most people just call the baby ANGEL or something like that, that is a sweet way to think of it. This lady was crazy. She stole the name, she probably did it to steal the thunder, because she's hurting and is jealous of the other lady with a healthy pregnancy, so she stole the only thing from her that she could to hurt her. Very childish. I'm glad the other lady is keeping the name, she has no reason to change it, and if that crazy lady can't understand that, and come to terms with her own feelings of loss and why she named it Ryan then they probably don't need her around them or their coming baby in the first place.

[yeishlitikvah.livejournal.com]

this. I also think it was such an early loss. I'm glad I'm not the only one, who is like WHAT!!???

[geogirl.livejournal.com]

She just needs a new perspective. Instead of making sad and thinking of the miscarriage, she should think of it as an honor because her miscarried baby's memory lives on. (even though the baby isn't named for the miscarried baby)

[laminy.livejournal.com]

Uh, yikes. I don't think there's much worse than losing a child, but the sister-in-law was still in the wrong; one for using the name Ryan to begin with, and then to asking the friend to change what she's going to name her baby. I think that the friend should still use the name Ryan, because there's no way that after all those weeks calling him Ryan, that they could just move onto another name. If the SIL didn't want the name to remind her of her lost baby, then maybe she shouldn't have picked a name that she knew somebody in her family would be using.

[yeishlitikvah.livejournal.com]

I think we have to take into account that one families loss is quite recent. If I did my math correctly they experienced their loss less than three months ago.

I'm sure that their will be anomosity now. But in time, with healing involved. I'm sure the family will be stronger. And the SIl who experienced the loss will come to realize and understand the name they chose had very little to do with her and more to do with where their inclination was.

I also without getting into anything. I can't imagine having anytype of memorial for a 10 week loss. That may also be as a result of being an Observant Jew that we don't tell people until the first trimester is over.

i can't fathom what that loss feels like. But knowing how straining emotinally ttc is, I can only fathom how (G-d forbid)I would feel.

[th3-unicorn.livejournal.com]

Here is what my psychoanalytical side heard: taking the name Ryan and placing it on her dead baby she was symbolically killing the other woman's baby, then trying to own the name is her claim out of guilt.

So the SIL is a nutjob.

[qalanjo.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much what I thought too.

[lower-class.livejournal.com]

I lost a child when she was very young about 10 years ago. My cousin gave birth to a baby girl shortly after my daughter had passed away. She named the baby the same name as my daughter. No one in my family understood why it was upsetting. My cousins reasoning was "she's not a live anymore, it's not her name". It's always going to be her name, you know?

For years I couldn't say my daughters name outloud. It's only been recently that I talk about her. My cousin and I were very close when we were younger, we were born a month apart and raised together. It took a long time for our relationship to recover and I don't think it will ever be what it was.

Also, my name is Jessica and my cousins name is Jennifer. My mom had planned on naming me Jennifer, had the nursery and blankets and stuff embroidered with Jennifer all over them. Then my cousin was born early and my aunt said "oh I like Jennifer" and named her that. A few weeks later I was born and my mom picked Jessica because she said it was as close to Jennifer as she could get.

I think it was shitty that the woman placed that name on her baby. It's kind of awful to have a stink about it. I mean if she really liked the name, then I understand, but if she did it just to be mean, that's not cool.

[thismakebelieve.livejournal.com]

Oh my word. I can't believe she named it after your child that passed away. Without asking you?

[xsongsaboutrain.livejournal.com]

It is pretty weird of her to do that, definitely. And then to ask that the other woman give up the name...I'd say it's almost definitely out of jealousy and a reason the sister-in-law came up with to pretend that her nephew doesn't exist because he "stole her baby's name" even though the real reason is more like that it will be painful for her to see this healthy baby and think about her own who didn't make it. She's making it worse for herself though. But honestly....she was ten weeks pregnant. Miscarriages that early are common. And I know I would have been very sad to have lost this pregnancy at that point, but to hold a memorial service and name the genderless baby? I'm not so sure. If it was a stillborn maybe, or even if she had lost it in the third trimester. Seems like she's just begging for attention. And it's good that the other woman stood her ground, but if it were me I'd feel really weird about naming my kid that, it would sort of ruin the name for me. I'd be pissed as hell, but I'd probably pick a new name. Good for her for not giving up, it's really unfair to ask.

[lalazizara.livejournal.com]

what does the brother in law think?

[thismakebelieve.livejournal.com]

Apparently the men are "staying out of it." I'd be irritated.

[princess-natty.livejournal.com]

There HAVE been families with two people sharing the same name before Im sure. The SIL is overreacting. Your co-worker's friend and her husband(even if he's staying out of it) is in the right. Also, I wouldnt be too concerned.Im sure the rest of the family should be able to look past this temporary stumble and things in time will be better between everyone.

[fairyfantastic.livejournal.com]

Terrible loss.

But bloody hell, nuts.

No way would I change the name, I'd be like 'sorry, but as you are probably aware, we chose this name from the very start and am not prepared to change it' and then be scrubbed off the christmas card list for a year or so while she gets over it :\

Harsh, but ya know.

[harinakshi.livejournal.com]

From the sound of her m/c, the baby probably didn't even develop to 10 weeks gestation. I doubt there was much formation of anything. But I guess that doesn't stop those "feelings" that you just know if the baby is a boy or a girl.

[twitchywoman.livejournal.com]

I would tell your friend to stand her ground and name the baby Ryan no matter what because the SIL sounds crazy. I understand she's grieving, but she is the one who named the miscarriage the same name, so she shouldn't be angry at all, it's stupid.

[mudinherblood.livejournal.com]

Oh my. Drama, drama, drama. Some people are so crazy. Who decides on a name when you're six weeks pregnant? I can't believe she would ask her to change the name when she already had it picked for so long...

[cosmos-calling.livejournal.com]

I think that over time, all the friends and family (other than the woman who had the miscarriage), will forget about the miscarriage, and Ryan the existing child will be who they think of when they think of "Ryan".

I think that your co-workers friend should name her baby Ryan, as she had been planning. She should not have to change her plans for this.

[qalanjo.livejournal.com]

I think it wasn't a good idea to name the baby that early, or even tell people that she was pregnant, because the chances of miscarrying are so much higher at that stage. She didn't even know if it was a boy or girl, either. She obviously stole the name, and she was probably so devastated because of the miscarriage that she wanted to "get back" at the mother who did not miscarry. She probably thought along the lines of: "If I can't have a Ryan, then she can't either." It's sad, really, but that's not a good enough reason for the other woman to change the baby's name. He has been Ryan since the beginning.

[amaterasa.livejournal.com]

This is strange because almost the same thing happened recently to my cousin and they ultimately decided to change their baby's name ... the name was also Ryan ... wait, this isn't my cousin is it?

[eeangel44.livejournal.com]

haha.. so I'd tell my sis-in-law she is a crazy bitch and i am naming my baby the name i always planned on. plus, she knew, so it was not a surprise. wacko.

[bambiblake007.livejournal.com]

wow.

if the 1st woman was naming her baby Ryan from the beginning and the 2nd woman had not mentioned her baby being named Ryan til the memorial service, then the 1st woman should not feel obligated in changing her baby's name.

it sounds to me like the 2nd woman is looking for sympathy or attention or something. i mean, why else would she have all of a sudden decided that the lost baby would be referred to as "Ryan" if not? i kno losing a baby is sad and i don't mean to take away from her loss and the pain she must be feeling over it, but she is in the wrong, here.

if it had been like, say the 1st woman had gone to the memorial and seen the name Ryan and then said, "oh hey, i'm gonna name my baby that, too" yeah, then the 2nd woman would have a right to say something to family members (and her sister-in-law, in particular) and feel bad about having to live her entire life hearing the name Ryan. but it wasn't like that, so yeah, idk, she just needs to realize that or something.

i say the sister-in-law still name her baby what she had been intending to name her baby all along, cos really, if anyone stole the name, it was the 2nd woman.

[juniorfan29.livejournal.com]

Wow, naming a 10 week miscarriage AND having a memorial service? Sounds like SIL is incredibly tacky. Especially since she used the name that the other woman was planning on using BEFORE SIL got pregnant.

Your friend needs to stand her ground and use the name that she already chose. Nobody "owns" a name, but if they did...it was hers, first.

[aymen.livejournal.com]

I think if I was the 1st woman, I would have walked to the 2nd woman after the service and been like, "I'm really sorry about your miscarriage, but that was really cruel of you to name him/her Ryan knowing well that it is our son's name." I wouldn't change the name at all and I anyone who comes and talks smack would get the "not t be mean, but she knew our baby's name was Ryan, so we have no clue why she would ask us to change it" speech.