(no subject)

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

Hi everyone! Got a question on name etiquette for you all:

My fiance and I are always talking about names for our future children. Without providing too much information, my fiance's name is something like John Edward Baker IV...but not as appealing. He goes by his 3 initials which make a not-so-bad name (better than Jeb.) Anyway, he is insistent that, if we have a son, we name him said name. Problem is I seriously dislike it.

We talked about it again last week and I mentioned possibly using my last name as a first name and his first as a middle name. It has a nice ring to it and it would be honoring both of our fathers. He really liked it and I thought I was in the clear. Until last night when he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to do it anymore and that we could use my last name for our 2nd child.

I understand the significance of it and I don't want to be disrespectful, but don't I deserve a say in what we name our future children? Am I just being selfish? Has anyone ever been in this situation?

I know that I am talking like we've already got a kid in the works, but it's just something I'd like to have resolved for the when the time comes.



Also, on the topic of funny/sad names:

A few years ago a doctor friend of mine told me about a teenage mother who gave birth at his hospital. She wanted her child's name to sound like "Ash-oh-ley." The nurses asked if she meant Ashley, but she insisted it should be "Ash-oh-ley." So when asked how to spell it, she said - A-S-S-H-O-L-E. Assh-o-le. Asshole.

I always thought my friend was BS-ing me, but my mom (who is a teacher) recently came home telling of a little girl that just enrolled and her name is Asshole. That is just AWFUL!

Comments

[lilacmermaid.livejournal.com]

I haven't ever been in that situation, so I can't say for sure how I would feel about it, but I think I would have a more difficult time refusing it outright when it's a longstanding tradition (if the IV part of your post was the same), and not just some guy who wanted his son named after him alone, you know?

Is there a way you could compromise ... like maybe you don't like the first name, but you don't mind the middle, so he could go by that? Or you don't like either name, but you don't mind a nickname that could be derived from one of them?

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

The IV is accurate, so I would might be offending several people along the way. We have tried coming up with nicknames, but they are just as awful as the actual name (and he agrees.) I also would find it weird to call a child the same name as my fiance (the 3 initials.) I'm sure there is a compromise, but I've yet to come by one.

I seriously want to ask his mom what she thought about naming her son after her husband, but there's not a great way to bring it up in a conversation. I guess I'm just curious if she gave in or just agreed with it.

[lilacmermaid.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's a tough situation, then ... hope it's a girl? I'm sorry that sounds glib, but I can't think of a solution, unless you could come up with a name/nickname that you'd call him that was entirely different from his given name? I'm usually not crazy about that idea at all, but it might be a possibility in this instance.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hope we have nothing but girls. It'll make my baby naming a lot easier. Aside from that, he's mentioned that having a daughter scares him to death...which I think will be humorous.

I'm not a fan of the random nickname either, but I think you're probably right. I'll just have to see what I can get away with, I suppose.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__recidivist/]

Could you change part of the name and call him by that? For example, John Elliott Baker? Could you add on another middle name (John Edward Elliott Baker, JEEP [but, you know, better])? Could you make the current first and middle names both middle names (David John Edward Baker)? Worse comes to it, there are plenty of people called things that have nothing to do with their names.

You could also start bringing it up at dinners with his side of the family to see if there would be a mutiny if you have your partner didn't follow tradition.

For the record, I think that most inherited names are cosmically ugly, and I tend to like old-fashioned names (I changed my middle name to Virgil), so it's not that.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

That's a really good idea. I honestly like using my last name as a first. Maybe we could sneak it in at the end like you mentioned. Good call!

[tryyingtoevolve.livejournal.com]

That is actually a good idea -- just add a second middle name, and call him by that. It would work well, I think, and you'd still technically be using what he wants to.

However, I stand by my earlier statement that if you hate the name, you shouldn't be forced to name your son that.

[laminy.livejournal.com]

Well, I mean, yes, you deserve a say, but he does too. So if he says that he doesn't like it, then you shouldn't use it. But you shouldn't use what he just wants either. There has to be a compromise somewhere, that you both like.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

I agree that we both should get a say. I think what's really holding me back in putting my foot down is the fact that I feel like I will be seriously offending his family. That's the last thing I want to do, but it's just as much my choice as his.

[adamantplatypus.livejournal.com]

No. If it were me, I would absolutely nix anything I wasn't on board with. He and I BOTH have to like it and agree to it.

If you don't like it, SAY SO. You have as much right to be happy with it as he does.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

It's good to hear that from someone else. Everyone I've talked to agrees that it's a bad name, but no one ever sides with me on wanting to not do it. I know we'll come to a compromise, but it's still frustrating.

[adamantplatypus.livejournal.com]

I was married to a 3rd. I told his parents in no uncertain terms that I would not be naming a son the 4th. I did not care if they disliked it, it was MY KID.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

You are braver than I! :) That's another thing though, shouldn't there be a cut off point for carrying on names? Who seriously names someone the Fifth anymore? Aside from royalty and popes, I mean.

[sifukatara.livejournal.com]

You're kidding! That is beyond wrong.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

Hahaha! Having to name my future child after my fiance or the Asshole part?

[sifukatara.livejournal.com]

The vulgar name part. Although it reminds me of a joke my stepfather told me once.

[arbus.livejournal.com]

i know a couple who recently had a son and he was the fourth in a LONG line of men with this name (some of them traded off, as they were on the mothers side, so the numbers dont match up with the generations, if that makes sense. his dad goes by the first name, and the middle name is horrifying so that was off the table entirely. so, they call him buck. its completely unrelated to the names in any way, except that it starts with the same letter as the handed down first name.

i definitely think you deserve a say, but i think this a special instance, also. im not going to say that he gets more say than you, because i dont think thats true at all, i just think its something worth bending, or compromising, about considering the history of the name. just think ... your second childs name will be ALL YOURS to choose! :)

[tryyingtoevolve.livejournal.com]

You definitely have the right to say that you don't want to name your child that. I understand why he wants to, because it's a tradition, apparently, but you also have the right to dislike it enough to not want to use it on your son.

Is there a nickname you can come up with that you really like? Maybe that would make it more appealing?

I think your compromise of your last name + his first name is a really good one. He needs to compromise, too.

Maybe ask him what he thinks a good compromise would be, since you refuse to name your son ________, V. And see where that gets you, because maybe he'll be more willing to compromise once he realizes that you're not going to use it, but you're willing to go halfway with him.

[blue-suspenders.livejournal.com]

Asshole? Poor, poor child!

[sophie-louise89.livejournal.com]

brb. laughing at poor Asshole.

[azelmaroark.livejournal.com]

These situations are tough, but I definitely don't think you're in the wrong here, OP. It's not just his baby, and it's definitely not his family's baby. Don't let anyone pressure you into going with a name you really dislike.

[quite-rosie.livejournal.com]

You are right, you do get a say... but if you want my honest feelings on the matter, if he is the 4th in this tradition, it would probably mean A LOT to him to name his first son after him. And I can't blame him, that is something heavy.

I just would hate for him to have some kind of resentment for you that his son didn't carry on the tradition that his father, grandfather, and so on had.

Seriously, I'd just hope for a girl. If it is a boy, perhaps let him name the kid and come up with a clever nickname.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

The kicker about it is his dad is the THIRD boy and they waited until then to carry on the name. Almost like an afterthought. Like, well, we got another one...I'm tired of picking out names...let's just name him after you.

[aballard23.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't let the pressure get to me, personally. It's not his family's choice on what your children are named, and it isn't 100% his choice unless you give him that right.

I wouldn't name my children something I didn't totally like, so I see future problems ahead of me. But honestly? No. I would NOT name my son that. Not only because he'd be the 5th, with means originality apparently doesn't run in his family, but because I hate people who have pretentious families like that. 'OMG U HAVE TEW NAME HIM WUT WE WANT'

Uh. No. I don't. Try again if you ever want to SEE your grandchild/niece/nephew. :)

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

And that's my problem, I am HUGE on originality. I think a person should have a name uniquely for them. It just seems so unimaginative to continue to use the same name over and over.

[aballard23.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm the same way. Repetitive names just irk me. I mean, in my family we have my grandmother with the middle name Marie, my middle name is Marie (I was the first grandchild, however), my cousin Chelsea's middle name is Marie, and my cousin Bailey's middle name is Maree (youneek spelling, ahoy!). .. It.. gets a bit annoying! :D Sharing your name SUCKS, lol.

I also have a distant cousin named Alicia. Which is weird, but she's like 12 years younger than me and I've only met her once, lol.

[krosp.livejournal.com]

My personal opinion is that it's pretentious to have a name carried on for generations with a number tagged on after it... but maybe that's because hardly anyone does that here in Australia so it sounds like someone's trying to sound important - but it does seem a lot more common in the USA than it is here so I realise that. But I don't think it should be done just because that's what has been done before. It's kind of pointless doing it just for the sake of it.

BUT, if it's really important to him then that's different. The tradition is bound to end somewhere (probably whichever generation doesn't have a son, if not sooner) and if it doesn't matter to him then it might as well end here, but if it's extremely important to him then that's going to be pretty tough for you. I'd love to know what the name is! :) But i understand your reasons for not putting it up... I don't put up rare names of people I know either

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

I agree on it being pretentious. I can understand a Junior and even a Third, but does it seriously have to on to the Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, etc.?

Just to give you an idea, his first name is Ralph. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

[orbg.livejournal.com]

I think that while you need to be sensitive to what he wants, he also needs to be sensitive to what you want.
I would never name our child something my husband hated, and would try to make some kind of compromise if possible. Keep talking about it, but in a nice way.

[tinydrea.livejournal.com]

Mine wanted the same thing. His name is Stuart Kevin. Once I got pregnant, I had to tell him. I gave him a big hug and I said "I'm sorry baby I love you but I don't think our baby is a Stuart. It works for you, but otherwise, I just don't like the name." We agreed that we both have total, unlimited veto power. Best of luck. Remember that it's about compromise.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

Ah, thank you. So nice to hear from someone who's been there! Gives me hope. :)

[thejoysofjess.livejournal.com]

To be blunt, your mother is full of shit. Every teacher has that story to tell. My mother claims to have an Asshole, but she absolutely does not. Nor did she ever have an Abcde or a Shithead. There's never been anyone found in the census with that name.

Sorry, it just annoys me. There are plenty of really bad actual names without teachers continuing to make shit up. Plus, it makes people not believe me when I tell them that HONEST TO GOODNESS there is a Crystallite in my school.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

Wow. Thanks for calling my mother and friend liars. I highly doubt my mom would make it up. Especially considering she didn't know the story behind it before telling me. Have you really searched the entire world census or are you exaggerating?

Also, I have met someone named Shithead. It is an Indian name and pronounced Sha-theed.

I'm assuming you have a hatred for teachers. Sounds like a personal problem to me.

[thejoysofjess.livejournal.com]

It's on snopes and has been debunked many many times. Shithead too, btw. And Lemonjello and Orangjello if that was going to be the next thing you quoted.

Sorry, no hatred for teachers, since I am one myself and grew up in a family of them. Just hatred for people who make stuff up and quote it as fact (not you, clearly you didn't know).

There are plenty of legit, wrong, terrible names to be have. I'm sure your mother, being a teacher, has had many awful names come through. Asshole is not one of them.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

What's snopes? I guess the Shithead I met was lying about his name then.

[thejoysofjess.livejournal.com]

snopes.com is a myth-checking website.

Interesting that your shithead is a man. It's always a girl in the urban legends.

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

This was definitely a guy. He was a patient of a urologist whose office I worked in at the time.

[iam-katie.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

[iam-katie.livejournal.com]

to the joyofjess that is

[notmybusiness.livejournal.com]

I'm perfectly fine with agreeing to disagree, but I'm not understanding the need to be so rude. It's a bit ridiculous.

[anneliese.livejournal.com]

hmm, that's hard... I am coming from a different perspective, because I am named after a long line of Annas in my maternal line. The name really makes me proud and I am happy to carry it. If I have a daughter, I would very much want to name her Anna, and I would feel really upset if my husband didn't understand that it was important to me, and insisted that she be named something else.

Now, if my name was something truly appalling like... I don't know, Gerthilde, then maybe I would give in to my husband. But it would have to be pretty bad for me to want to give it up, I think.

I'm not saying you should give in; you know the specifics better than I do.