Naming narrow-mindedness?

[hermione-vader.livejournal.com]

I just stumbled across this forum thread on Nameberry where someone posted a letter to the editor of a magazine from a middle-aged man on the subject of naming.  Here's the letter's contents, for the link-phobic:

"I come in praise of William. Not myself, mind you, but my name. I have always been grateful my parents chose William, particularly since the runner-up was Byron, my dad’s name. He decided not to pass it along to his firstborn, having wearied of clueless inquisitors saying, “Brian? Myron? What?” In my childhood, there were legions of other Williams, but the name waned in popularity, as parents flocked to “creative” and “unusual” names such as Free, Rocket, Banjo, Apple, Sage, and Kyd. But William is surging back, climbing to No. 3 in the list of most popular boys’ names of 2011, the Social Security Administration announced this week. I take this as a good sign.

Giving your children unique names does them no favor. It is like sending them into life with an odd hat affixed to their heads, or a zebra tattooed on their foreheads. William will cause no double takes or taunts, and has a protean ability to adapt to age and circumstance. As a child, I was Billy, but when my mother scrubbed me of playground dirt, brushed my hair, and sent me off to school, I became William. At age 18 or so, Billy evolved into the more mature-sounding Bill. That’s my casual handle still, but for formal occasions, I can go to my suit closet and pull out William. Other classic boys’ names, such as Christopher, Nicholas, and Alexander, have similar virtues. So do girls’ names such as Katherine, Elizabeth, and Jessica. All have a pleasing versatility, and none will cause the bearer any woe. If you new parents really feel an urge to be creative, buy an easel and some paint. Naming your kid isn’t about you."

I get what he's talking about to a certain degree, but there aren't as many kids named Free, Rocket, Banjo, Apple, Sage, or Kyd as he thinks.  Except for Sage, those are wackier, more celeb-style picks, where as more typical "yooneek" names would be things like Braeden, Bryleigh, Myleigh, Kasen, Caven, etc.---things that sound more like syllables smashed together than names with substantial meanings.  Alarmingly, I have met children and/or parents of children with all of those syllable-based names.  Also, sometimes, parents don't seem fully aware of what they've done.  I read a blog post about middle names recently and found one woman in the comments gushing about how her son's middle name was Arkham and how awesome it was that they snuck a Batman reference into his name.  Never mind that Arkham Asylum is the mental hospital/prison. 

Then again, some people really hate their common names precisely because they are common.  And someone on the Nameberry forum pointed out that William has had the advantage of staying in favor for centuries, whereas a lot of other names that would sound "normal" or "common" to earlier generations, like Eugene or Phyllis, sound terribly outdated today.  While being the 4th Noah/Sophia/Alexander/Olivia in the class is a lot less likely today, there are a lot of other, less common options that come with easy nicknames and won't sound too ridiculous (Aurora -> Rory, Helena -> Lena).  I guess what I'm wondering this: while everyone fears being too "out-there" when choosing a name, is it also possible to play it too safe?

This letter also brings up the issues of gender, generations, and naming.  Is this an example of the older generation being intolerant towards newer conventions?  Or does it also show the gap between male vs. female naming styles?  I know one compromising problem I've read about on blog posts is that quite a few husbands nix any name that they never heard while growing up, and this reminds me of that.  Are women open to more naming options on the whole or is that not an actual issue, just one we imagine?  I do wonder if men and women approach naming differently because women are socialized to name lots of things early on (ex: stuffed animal names, doll names) whereas male toys (like action figures) often come pre-named.  This is probably too broad a generalization, but it's something to think about.

Okay, rambling over.  What do you guys make of this letter?

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/___heyvanity/]

One reason why I have difficulty finding a name is because I really want to strike that balance of a name being uncommon, but not so rare that my family and friends haven't even heard of it and would have trouble pronouncing it. An example would be Lachlan. the DH and I really love the name. But I casually asked my mom if she had even heard of that name and she said "No, I've never heard of Lachland." So, I have a feeling that name would become difficult and it will probably be out of the running.

But, my husband really likes William and I think it is just too common. Same goes for Henry, which we both love. I would prefer to use names like Malcolm, Theodore, and Arthur. They are fairly well known names but they aren't crazy popular.

I'm a Jennifer and while yes, no one ever screwed it up--I still have people ask how I spell it. And I hated being Jennifer W. in school. I was the 5th Jennifer in my class, and I would prefer not to do that to my children. So, I somewhat agree with this article, but I think there are a lot of names that aren't in the same game as William, Henry, and Katherine that can still be easy for the majority of people to say, know how to spell, and pronounce. I still would prefer to see William over something trendy like Jayden because even though both are popular, William will stand the test of time.

But I also think Sage is a perfectly acceptable name!

Also, nicknames are a HUGE deal for me. A name must have an appropriate nn for me to want to use it. I know some people are the exact opposite, though.

And my husband has much more "out there" taste than me. A few names he has suggested have been Duncan, Tycho, and Alistair. He has a lot of associations with names and people and he generally wants to use something he hasn't heard on someone else.

[eveyalecia.livejournal.com]

I love Lachlan and Arthur! Both are on my top twenty for boys actually.

[dustthouart.livejournal.com]

Katherine always needs to be spelled out, though. Catherine Katherine Katharine Kathryn.

I'm keen on nns too, so I'm curious what nn you would use for Lachlan.

Percentage wise, though, the name scape has changed dramatically. As a percentage of babies born, the number one boys name of 2011 would be the number 22 of 1986. Between Jeremy and Richard IIRC. Fellow 1986 babies, do you recall ever having five Jeremies in a class? No? I thought not. I think in practice for this generation it's going to be two or three max and only of names in the top five max.

[http://users.livejournal.com/___heyvanity/]

That's what I mean! No name is fool proof. Even Jennifer...

Lach/Lachy/Lock/Locky would be nn's for Lachlan (any spelling variation you want to use, I suppose... I've seen Locke too). I've also read Len, Lenny, Lane, or Lucky.

Well I'm a 1989 baby and I remember quite a few Jeremy's that were a few years older than me. In fact, I knew at least 4 at my school!

[qtshorty1625.livejournal.com]

You just reminded me of this, probably because of the names you mentioned. Growing up, I had two older neighbors (one old enough to my grandpa and the other old enough to be my father) named Richard (one nn. Rich and the other nn. Dick). Never heard the name until I was in my 20s and I had a coworker in his 30s with the name.

[memory-noirs.livejournal.com]

my cousin's name is Lachlan! I have heard it on other people too. I think if you like it you should use it, because it isn't common but it is still a "real" name

[cremepuff.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are almost exactly the same as heyvanity's. I, too, want a name that isn't incredibly common, but isn't too uncommon or "out there." As for my husband, he also contradicts the theory that men play it safe with names: he wants to give our children Finnish or Eastern European names because they are extremely uncommon in English (and also because he sees so many of them in hockey). Unfortunately, I've had to remind him that neither of us have a drop of Finnish or Russian blood in us, and a kid named Lubomir would be made fun of relentlessly in the US.

[cremepuff.livejournal.com]

I should explain more: my husband wants to use the name Lubomir with the nickname Lubey. That nickname would be made fun of in high school, I'm sure of it!

[eveyalecia.livejournal.com]

Although kids can pretty much make fun of anything, Lubey almost seems to be asking for it :/. There are some great Russian names that might be better choices.

[qtshorty1625.livejournal.com]

and also because he sees so many of them in hockey

I had to giggle about this comment because I'm an avid hockey fan, so I've definitely been finding those kinds of names "more normal" so to speak.

[kaizopp.livejournal.com]

I like Arkham. It's the name of a fictional city by H. P. Lovecraft.

i like names of all kinds, and I like weird names, and that includes the randomly spelled ones. There's plenty of stuff I wouldn't use for my children, but I might still want to use them for characters. People are just way too keen on being judgemental, yes, even on here. I really think that's all it comes down to: people being judgemental and people afraid of judgement.

I'll just say that someone somewhere finds your name ridiculous. Even if it's William or Jessica. Because the whole world isn't actually anglo-saxon.

[laminy.livejournal.com]

I'm not naming my kid a name that I think is boring, and all the "classic" names that he suggested are boring. Boring, and far too common for my taste. It is definitely possible to play it too safe.

I'd much rather name my kids Apple and Sage than Elizabeth and William.

I think it's a bias. He's William, so he's pro-boring names. I have a unique name, so I'm pro-unique names because I know they're not as bad and strange as everyone with a boring name wants to make them seem.

[eveyalecia.livejournal.com]

I think it's really a matter of individual preference. I know plenty of people with unique names that hate them because of the experiences they've had. My name is Emily, which I personally love, but I've actually not encountered very many Emily's in my life despite its popularity. As for my own tastes (being someone with a "boring" name) are very eclectic. I like uncommon names like Briar, Aven, and November but I also like James, Arthur, and Sarah.

[harinakshi.livejournal.com]

I think he makes a good point. He went with the VERY traditional names and the VERY out there names to make his point, but the point is good. Giving your kid a cre8tyve name is stupid. They are a human being, not an artistic medium.

[eveyalecia.livejournal.com]

I agree. The last point he made about naming a kid with them in mind, not yourself, is a good one. Yes I think the parents liking it is important, but you have to think about how it's going to affect a child throughout their life.

[so-there.livejournal.com]

I disagree about "jessica". it's a trendy 1980's name. yeah, it existed before then, but the popularity surge puts it along side tiffany or, I dunno, crystal.

[satunian.livejournal.com]

YES! Someone made the same comment as me!

[qtshorty1625.livejournal.com]

In response to the letter itself, it irks me that he comes across that just because he doesn't like more modern names, that makes them the worst thing ever. Just because you don't like something, doesn't make it wrong or bad. Like, I work with a lot of Chaldeans, so I'm exposed now to names I never heard growing up. While I would never use one of their names because it would seem weird for me to name my child something like Ziad or Reem, I am so used to their names on them, that I kind of like the uniqueness in my circle, and I find myself kind of liking the names, though I think it has more to do with the person I associate the name with rather than the name itself.

I think that there is to some extent some kind of balance. Like you said, names come in and out of popularity. Like, we may think "William" is a perfectly normal name, but back when the name was first invented, it was probably considered unique. With enough exposure, I think people can get used to anything. I wish parents would not worry about popularity, and would just name their children what they want to name them. Especially when they do creative spellings to try and make it "unique"; honestly, how many times is a name spelled v. being said? If it sounds the same, they're still going to have to be Child A/Child B, etc. That's just me though.

[pleasure-past.livejournal.com]

they're still going to have to be Child A/Child B, etc.

Or "Vikki With An I"/"Jaxon With An X" which isn't really any better.

[qtshorty1625.livejournal.com]

Exactly. It's one thing when it's a group of friends and you can make up nicknames to differentiate, but in school, etc. you can't.

[ladydreamfire.livejournal.com]

While it does strongly smack of "traditional" bias, this isn't a point that hasn't been sung here before. We all question how a name will age. I don't know too many of us who aim for the extremely trendy name (well not on purpose anyway), but most of us do want a solid name. So I can agree with that. Oh and when I say trendy, I mean Hayden and Paisley not Sophia or Jacob, which are simply really popular.

I think this letter may have over stated things though, and in doing so may have rubbed many the wrong way by alienating everything outside of the "classics". The classics can be great, but let's face it, they will never be everybody's cup of tea. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don't like Hayden or Paisley but I absolutely respect your right to fall head over heels for it. Just spell it right. And that ends my opinion on the matter.

[pleasure-past.livejournal.com]

Naming your kid isn’t about you.

Here's the thing though: Yes, it is.

I want to change my name. I have wanted to change my name for years, since before I was out of high school.

This is not my parents' fault. My parents did everything right. They gave me the original (and most phonetic in English) spelling of a traditional name that is rare enough that I have only once in my life had a girl with the same name in any of my classes (eight grade gym class, for all you care, though the number may have been slightly higher had I grown up in an area with one of the right dominant ethnic groups), and I have never in all my life been teased about it.* I hate it anyway. The name I'd like to change my name to was in the top 100 for the year I was born, and still in the top 100 today, and I'd like to use a spelling that is usually seen as masculine (though they feminine and masculine versions are pronounced the same way). This isn't my parents' fault. This isn't something they had control over. There is no more something objectively wrong with my name** than there is something objectively wrong with the color yellow. I just don't like my name, much the same way I just don't like the color yellow.

The name that I'm going to enter the professional world with and go by for the rest of my life is about me. The name that my parents gave me really wasn't. How could it have been? When my parents named me, I had no opinions. I had no beliefs. I had no specific social groups. I had no personality. My parents could do no better than to look at their values, their beliefs, their social groups, and their personalities and choose something accordingly. Naming me was 100% about them. It always is. No matter what you do, you are flipping a coin on whether or not your children are going to like their names in twenty years, because your children are not you. You are always going to name your child based on your own world-views and personalities. That isn't wrong. That's all you can do. But it's also not wrong, and not a slight against you, if your children grow up not to share your world-view and/or personality, and consequently aren't particularly fond of their names.

Peyton is just as likely to adore her name when she's twenty as Joanna is. Aiden is just as likely to hate his name as Gabriel is. I know this for a fact. We can hand-wring until the end of time about how a Holly is going to hear no end of Christmas carols in July, or whether an Avery or an Angela is more likely to be good at math, or how a Christian is destined to die a Satanist, or whether a Jordan or a Joshua is more likely to get into trouble in school. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that hand-wringing. I fully intend to keep doing it, myself. Soon-to-be parents can find value in these discussions. [Once the kid is born, stfu forever.] But let's not pretend like the names we choose for our children aren't reflections of ourselves, that our children may or may not grow into. Let's not pretend that Holly, Angela, Christian, and Jordan can't love their names, perhaps even in spite of being godless mathematicians or Medieval scholars. Let's not pretend that Apple is somehow being harmed by his name and William isn't. These things, one way or another, will work themselves out.

And if you're worried about kids being bullied because of their names, here's a novel idea: Teach your children not to be bullies.



*My middle name is the same way: A very common and logical spelling of a name that is very common in a part of the country that I wasn't raised in. I hate it even more.

**There are numerous things I could complain about, but none of them are my parents' fault. The fact that people always want to assume my name is another (more common) name is the fault of all of the people who don't bother to read more than three letters of a name.

[pleasure-past.livejournal.com]

All of that said, I do think it's possible to impose too much of your own world-view and personality onto your child via the name, and that can lead to bigger problems than just the kid not liking his name or being teased about it, but that's a discussion for another post...

[sictransitsuzy.livejournal.com]

Agree with you completely. How can you possibly know what your child is going to be like before or when he/she is born? So of course the naming process is up to you and about you. How it could be about anyone else, I haven't a clue.

[earn-my-wings.livejournal.com]

Okay, now I'm dying to know your name! Haha. And the name you want to change to :)

[satunian.livejournal.com]

I disagree on his assessment of Jessica being a classic, timeless name. It's very 80s trendy to me and stands out against all the other names he listed. Would definitely not include it in that list.

[boobeedoo.livejournal.com]

I like unusual names! Being an Ashley I have always, always, always had another Ashley in my classes at school and college.

I like the name Idina and I have so much inner conflict over whether or not it would be acceptable to name my first girl Wednesday because I love it so much.