Help me pick a last name!

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

Okay, I know we usually do first names here, but let's talk last names. I just can't decide on a last name! My maiden name is Brown. My married name is Hand. Spillane is my mother's maiden name. I was engaged a long time, had a child before marriage, and all that time I thought I would hyphenate. About 6 mo. before my wedding I finally decide to take Hand as my last name (everyone telling me what a horrible combo it is finally got to me) and either drop Brown or make it a second middle name. Well, here I am two years after my wedding and I still haven't changed my name. This is largely in part because I just can't choose.

I have various reasons for (dis)liking each name. Frankly, I don't care for either Brown or Hand. It wouldn't be as hard to choose if one stood out from the other (hmm.. color, body part? body part, color?). Hand does have going for it that it's not anywhere near as common as Brown. Also, my husband can trace his lineage on the Hand side back to the Mayflower. Me, eh, I can trace my Brown lineage back to West Virginia early 1900s. ;) I'm a bit attached to Brown simply because it's always been my name. On hyphenating-- my daughter's name was hyphenated. I could change it but she is deceased and I don't feel right changing her last name posthumously. I always wanted to share it with her and my children, so I was set on hyphenating for a long time. My biggest reason for wanting Hand is that I want to share a name with my family and my husband doesn't want to change his name (he's flexible on what we name our children, though). Spillane-- my mother changed her name back to Spillane when I was three. I've never lived with my father and have never been close to him. I've wanted to incorporate Spillane into my name for a long time and wish I'd changed it when I was 18 or younger. I was talking to my mom the other day and apparently even at 3 I wanted to change it when she did. I'm worried that all three would be too clunky, worry my dad or brother might be offended if I drop Brown. I wish my husband would take Spillane with me, but he's pretty set on staying a Hand. Anywho, vote away! :)

*ETA*-- A lot of you are suggesting which name to use based on the book I wrote up there, but I also don't mind you telling me what you actually think of the names. ;)



[Poll #1642414]

Comments

[satunian.livejournal.com]

to me it sounds like you really want to take Spillane... based on everything you've told us, I think that would be the best option. Or Hand has it's advantages, and I know having your husband's last name does make life a bit easier. Hm, and hyphenating doesn't seem that bad. Overall though, I think you can drop Brown. You don't sound very attached or attracted to it.

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

That's the issue. I really do want to take Spillane, but I also want to share a last name with my family. :/ Haha, perhaps one day I can convince my husband.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__recidivist/]

Remember, you still have your family history even when going by a different name. You don't need to keep the any of those names simply because you can trace the lineage of them back. I changed my last name when I was nineteen and while I sometimes regret what I changed it to (mainly because it doesn't reflect my ethnicity), I don't regret having changed it. You're still related to your father and brother if you chose another name, just as you'll be part of your new family if your name is different.

That said, it seems that you have an emotional attachment to Spillane, so I vote for that. What if you were to start matrilineal naming in your family? Or even to name them Spillane Hand?

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know all that, but I could still see his family flipping if we don't use his last name or if he changed his, or my brother and father being upset. :/ I guess although I don't feel like I'm wiping my familial history away or anything, I feel like if I take his name I'll be becoming part of his family, that our children will identify more with his family then mine. I know that seems silly, but that's part of my reservation. It might come from his family being local and my family not (which, ironically is why I think it might be nice to take Hand, so I feel more of a connection).

Ethnicity is a reason I like Spillane. I really identify more as my mother's ethnic background than my father's.

[sans-patrie.livejournal.com]

Yeah, families do flip out about these things, I've found. In my case, I knew I would keep my name when I got married. It's always been my name, I identify with it, it's unique (I'm the only one of me on Google), and well, I just really believe in women keeping their names.

The big to do was when it came out that our kid (due in 6 wks) would also have my last name. My husband actually had a huge argument with his father about it in which they didn't speak for a time (he was defending my/our decision). Eventually his father let it go, but there was a lot of talk of "you won't understand until you're older" and "don't you care about your heritage" and my husband trying to say, "hello, our child will still be your grandchild regardless of the text on its birth certificate!"

[harinakshi.livejournal.com]

Shouldn't women take whatever name they WANT? I must say, one of my reasons for getting married was to get rid of my other name. No one in his family even understands why I took that name because they hate it, I happen to like it, and, if anything else, am just glad it's not my father's name. Hell, I gave my son my mother's maiden name so he wouldn't get his POS father's name or my POS father's name!

[flplaya05.livejournal.com]

Why not combine them? I know a few married couples who have combined their last names to make an entirely new one. You two could be the Brands... half Brown, half Hand. Or that may be too Katy/Russell for you, but I'm sure you could come up with something else you like if the idea was appealing.

[retrodancekitty.livejournal.com]

It's not listed, but otherwise I was going to vote for Hand-Brown, since you say you'd like to keep Brown.
Brown-Hand should be avoided, imo. It's too easy to make terrible jokes about it.
I'd also avoid using 3 last names, that is definitely too much.
If you're leaning more towards Spillane, then I'd go for Spillane-Hand.

[retrodancekitty.livejournal.com]

to add: I understand you don't feel like changing your daughter's name now, but maybe you'll feel like it after/if you change yours. If you decide to go that route, I think it would come natural for you to change hers as well, since she's part of your family, as she was and as she will be.

[tondelayo.livejournal.com]

When I got married, I changed my maiden name to my middle name and my last name to my husband's. I wanted us to have the same last name for simplicity's sake, but there is nothing wrong with keeping your last name if you want to! You could also change your name to add Spillane as a first or second middle name if you wanted to.

As others have said, just because your name changed, it doesn't mean you stopped being a Brown. I have been thinking of getting a piece of jewelry with my maiden name engraved on it or maybe just the initial. I still identify with my maiden name and am proud to have it, so it's a small way to still feel connected on a daily basis :)

[pumpkindoodles.livejournal.com]

Just my opinion, but I would choose either Hand or Spillane Hand. I personally don't like hyphenated last names. I guess I am just more of a "keep it simple" type of person in that regard. I would also keep Brown out of the equation if you are going to use Hand, just due to the sound of it.

I'll be honest, it was hard for me to drop my maiden name. I thought about keeping it as a middle name, but in the end I just took my husband's name for simplicity's sake. I thought I'd really miss my maiden name, but it was actually surprisingly easy to get used to my new name. For me, it feels good to be able to share that with my husband. And I guess I realized that just because I dropped my maiden name doesn't mean I dropped that part of my family.

Good luck in your decision!

[snoglobel.livejournal.com]

For some reason it's not letting me vote...

I am going to choose either Hand (alone) or Spillane Brown Hand (even though it has brown hand in that order) where Spillane and Brown are "middle names"

When I got married I changed my name from a very common (and easy to spell name) to one that is very ethnic (even though the family isn't any more) and difficult to spell. I was actually very happy to change, and am still glad I did, even though it was a little weird to get used to. I totally dropped my maiden name.

My aunt originally dropped her maiden name, but years later (after 30+ years of marriage) added it back in, so now she is Firstname Middlename Maidenname Lastname.

If Spillane means something to you, go with that name, but I wouldn't drop Brown because that IS your name, and if you keep one I'd keep both. If you don't want to keep Brown I'd just go with Hand.

As for what I think of the names themselves:
Hand: I kind of like it. Its easy to spell, but not common.
Brown: Don't really like it. It's a lot like my maiden name, very common and in my opinion "boring"
Spillane: I have associations with a family I know, and they aren't good, so it's my least favorite but for personal reasons.

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Lol, hope your Spillanes aren't a relative of mine!

[snoglobel.livejournal.com]

I see you're in CA - so nope, no relation (that I know of) to the Spillanes I know.

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

Haha, my Spillanes are everywhere and there are a lot of us!

[snoglobel.livejournal.com]

Haha ok. Well mainly it was one girl who lived in my town growing up (in CT) who was a bully to me in elementary school - I still hold a slight grudge, lol. But lots of girls are bitchy in 5th grade.

[unaccepatable.livejournal.com]

I would drop Brown altogether. I guess I don't really get why it would upset your family, since that's typically what married women do...it shouldn't come as a surprise to them. Plus I just flat out don't like the name.
I don't like hyphenated names or moving the maiden name to a middle name, so I am kind of stuck on this one. I think I'd go with either Spillane-Hand or just Hand.
I like those two because they're so uncommon, I don't think I've ever met anyone with either of those last names.

[fleckerbug.livejournal.com]

Yeah, don't care for it much myself. I don't think me dropping it would upset them per se. I do think me dropping it for Spillane would upset them.

Thanks!

[a-tergo-lupi.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not letting me vote, either. I would say you seem to want Spillane, and I'm a fan of single last names. I took my husband's name and moved mine to the middle, so now I have two middle names. I like having two middle initials. It makes me feel special. But two last names always struck me as excessive. I know other cultures do it, but it's not for me.

I would use Hand, but I think you want Spillane.

[kjerlandsen.livejournal.com]

I couldn't vote, but I would have voted for Spillane-Hand.

[harinakshi.livejournal.com]

it's tradition for a woman to drop her maiden name and take her husband's name, so why would your brother or father even CARE if you dropped Brown? I say go with Spillane-Hand, you can go by Mrs. Hand, but still have Spillane since you are so attatched to it.

Plus, if you're going to have more kids, and generally be happy in life, you're going to need to learn to not give two rats a$$ about what other people, especially family, think of your choices. Do what makes YOU happy and stop worrying about possibly offending someone.

[duckduckcaboose.livejournal.com]

I can't vote for some reason. but my pick would be Spillane Hand- going by Hand. There is no reason to keep Brown if you don't feel any connection other than "that's always been my last name." If your father or brother has a problem with it, well... they're not you. And I don't see why your father's opinion should matter when it seems he had little to do with your upbringing. That's probably my own resentment towards my best friend's absent father, but still.

[cairtirnin.livejournal.com]

Do what is going to make you happiest.

I never took my husband's last name. If people give me trouble about it I tell them that I am his wife and not his sister. My daughter has his last name and mine as a second middle. It's what works for us.

[skudge.livejournal.com]

It won't let me vote in the poll, but I would pick "Spillane Hand (going by Hand)."

[kitchen-poet.livejournal.com]

I don't recommend hyphenating. We hyphenated when we got married and it has been the biggest freaking pain in the ass ever. EVAR. Seriously. I was really attached to my maiden name, and didn't want to take his last name because I sort of considered it anti-feminist and because I didn't like his family. So we *both* took the hyphenated name, and 2 years later it is so awful we're legally changing it to his great grandmother's maiden name. (We literally had to go that far back to find a name that we could take without offending one or both sides of the family, and my parents still aren't happy, but whatever.)
BUT, a big qualifier: his half of the name is Polish and gets mispronounced 99% of the time. Often to "kegel" which, just ew. Also, people freak out and suddenly forget how to read when they see a hyphen and mispronounce my super common anglo-name, usually to "spoon." Can you see how bitter I am about being called Mrs. Spoon-Kegel?!

Also, this applies to you if you live in the US and choose all three. Generally, a typical government form has room for 13 letters. Our hyphenated name is 13 letters, but 14 characters. It has caused all kinds of official screw ups, so if you go the hyphen route, make sure it is less than 13 with the hyphen included.
Personally, I like Brown and Spillane best, and I do think Brown-Hand is unfortunate sounding. Would your husband be taking the same name as well?