Last name to-be?

[title-track-1.livejournal.com]

With the recent birth of Harlow Winter Kate Madden i have begun to question taking your significant others name for the baby if not married.
I'm sure celebrities like Halle Berry and Jessica Alba will most likely do the same.

My fiance and i will not be married until after the baby for finanical reasons but the last name issue has just recently come to light.
Financially i find it being harder for me if i DO give his last name and then later change it when we're legally married but then i have family opinions & such to deal with. Tradition or whatever.
I actually think my fiance would be very upset with me if i didn't. I haven't exactly addressed the issue with him yet.



How 'customary' is it to give the fathers last name?
What exactly do you think are the pro & cons of this?

Comments

[my-little-voice.livejournal.com]

I think it depends on the situation. Personally, with the father being your fiance, if it was me, I'd probably give the baby his last name. But a few years ago, my best friend got pregnant after dating the guy for a month (they worked together before, so they knew each other for a few years) and in that situation, almost all of us tried to convince her to use her own last name (it was also 4 letters as opposed to 13) but she didn't, and gave her son his father's last name...and now 3 years later they're married, so they all have the same last name.

wouldn't it also make more sense to give your baby it's father's last name for financial reasons? if you wanted to change it after marriage, wouldn't you have to pay a few hundred dollars to change their last name?

[politicking.livejournal.com]

those were EXACTLY my thoughts, hyphenating the name until marriage. even then, i was probably going to hyphen my name, so it wasn't a big deal to even have to change my son's last name. but his father (and his father's mother) threw a royal fit. it was really, really ridiculous.

next time, it's MY terms. i'm the one who has to take the kid to the doctors, sign legal papers/documents... if i'm not married, it is either my name, or a hyphen.

[politicking.livejournal.com]

well... i didn't give my son my last name, despite wanting to. his father assured me that we would be married, and that it would be more expensive to change all the names, blah blah blahditty blah. he also felt that the child was "less" his with my last name-- and also that i "must not know 100%" that he was the father. LOL. okay, sure Bucko, whatever you say.

so, to avoid further arguments, i gave in and named our son with his last name.

so the pro is that it's cheaper, because you have to pay to change it eventually... the con is if you break up, you and your child have a different last name, which makes it a real pain in the ass for certain things. there are others, but that's all i can think of right now haha

[samaside.livejournal.com]

I think regardless of the marital situation, I'm going to push for my last name. There are a variety of reasons. My family name ends with me and my sisters and my cousin Caitlin and it's very important to me that the Wildman name stays around with us. But, more than that, I like my last name. It has a comedic value, sure, but it's memorable. People remember Wildman. It's not like Smith or Yancey or Johnson or Carter. It's Wildman.

So, while it's customary, there are reasons not to use the male name.

[oni85.livejournal.com]

i love Wildman personally :D

[sotypical42483.livejournal.com]

My sister kept her last name when she got married and one of their daughters has my sisters last name and the other has her husbands. People freak out when they discover this like omg that must be sooooooooooooooooooo difficult and confusing!!!!!!!!!! but they haven't had one single problem with it!

[sarahrose.livejournal.com]

I would, no question or doubt, give my S/O's last name if we were unmarried and my S/O was a man. I think this is still the general philosophy if the S/O is still in the picture.

If I end up with a woman, I would like to do hypenated names. If I give birth, I'd like mine first, then hers after the hyphen. If she gives birth, her last name first.

[glitterberrys.livejournal.com]

If we were planning on getting married (in the near future, not a "maybe someday that'd be nice" thing), I'd give the kid his name. If not, my name or a hyphenate, depending.

[oni85.livejournal.com]

my hubby and i are married (duh haha) but my last name is different. i go by his last name socially (mainly to protect his ego) but i am really attatched to my last name and my family. i wanted to give my last name AND his last name to the baby - and got blown out of the water when I suggested it. much to my dismay. i think it's very customary but i think it's a FUCKED custom. :) i think both parents are equally important haha

I'm a little hormonal/kind of hurt about the situation so please excuse my french!

[girlsteve.livejournal.com]

My boyfriend and I are a long way from married, but already he knows that if we do get married and have kids, I'm keeping my last name and the kids are having it too. No discussion. It's not for political reasons or anything - he just has a horrible last name and I really like mine. I'm too in to names and i think they're too important to go messing it up with a horrible surname. If we broke up and I ended up with a guy with a nice last name, I could be convinced. But if I ended up with someone with a horrible surname then there's no way the baby or i would end up with it, no matter how important he thought it was or how much fuss he made. He couldn't fel more strongly about it than I do.

[bobinwales.livejournal.com]

I'd love to keep my surname, as I love it, but my boyfriend wants me to have his. So in all honesty I'll probably end up having his, so chikdren will as well, either in or out of wedlock!

[scouty.livejournal.com]

I´d give my last name...

[sotypical42483.livejournal.com]

Ditto! It bugs when people say they like the "tradition" or their husb/bf is "traditional" because...aye I just wonder if they understand the tradition or not!

[waitingonsunday.livejournal.com]

Have you looked into your state laws on this issue? I know they vary from state to state, but in Indiana, at least, where my brother and sister both had children out of wedlock, there were very precise laws about which last name the child would get in particular situations. I wasn't there when either child was born, so I don't remember the exact details, but it seems like it was basically something like...if the father's present at the time the birth certificate is signed, the baby is given his last name; if not, the mother's.

I still think it's pretty customary to give the child the father's name. If the choice is yours, in this situation, it seems more sensible to go ahead and give the child the father's last name, since you intend to change it to that later anyway. It will be cheaper in the long run, and I've read about a lot of complications and mix-ups sometimes involved in legally changing a child's name. Plus, unless you manage to the the child's name change coincide with your marriage, the child will be stuck, if only temporarily, with a different last name than you.

The only downside to giving the child the father's last name that I can see is, if you decide not to marry your fiancé and you keep custody of the baby, the baby will have a different last name than you. That's easily explained, but I guess could be confusing to a child, anyway.

[kandeekiss.livejournal.com]

I think if you're planning on getting married, and are SURE you'll be getting married, you're better off giving his last name. It's much easier not to have to change it (I gave my daughter my boyfriend (now husband's) last name before we were married since I would be taking his name anyway.

If you have any doubt that you won't get married though, give the baby your last name, it's much eaiser to change the baby's last name when you get married and agree, then if you were to want to change it back to yours if something happens.

[xpinkxamazingx.livejournal.com]

Yeh, got me wondering too.
I will be using my last name.
The reason is cause i am the one carrying it and having to go through birth and caring for it the most.
I would only have it' fathers name if we were married.

[sunny-skies.livejournal.com]

I'm married but kept my last name. When we had our daughter we used my last name as her middle name and then gave her my husbands last name. We will probably do the same with the next baby we have. I think hyphenating makes names too long and I'm really not into how they sound. It's actually a family tradition to use a family name for the middle name. All of my cousins on my fathers side have that (16 of them).

[tryyingtoevolve.livejournal.com]

Do you plan on changing your last name when you get married? If so, I'd go with his last name, because then it all matches and it makes life a hell of a lot easier.

If you DON'T plan on changing your last name, I'd give the child your last name. I'm not a huge fan of the tradition of giving the child the father's last name, because the mother usually ends up being the primary caregiver and she's also the one who carries it for 9 months and then gives birth and goes through all of that. I just...don't understand why it's automatically the father's last name.

Maybe it's just my feminist views, but I'd give the child your last name unless you plan on changing yours (and I'm not judging about the changing of your last name, either -- I think that's everyone's individual choice). I'd give whatever last name you plan to use: your last name, his last name, or a hyphenated last name.

[h-hope.livejournal.com]

I was engaged to my baby's father... she got his last name. Ends up that didn't work out as expected. Since then I met my husband, we were married and now we share a last name and our child (when we have one) will have the same last name.. but my daughter is stuck with her father's semi-strange last name. It was no question to me that she was going to get his last name, he's her father, and i was lead to believe that i shouldn't have had any doubts. My family was furious that I didn't give her my last name... turns out this is one of those instances they may have been right.
I'm trying right now to get her name changed legally to my married last name so there is no confusion and our family shares one name. Its a process, I either have to get her biological father's written permission, or fight it without, and then there are the filing fees and such...
I don't know what advice to give you, just wanted to share how that worked out for me.

[mystickiwi.livejournal.com]

I think if you're planning on taking his last name when you get married, you should give it to the baby when it's born. If you're not going to be taking his last name, then I'd probably hyphenate it. Another thing to think about would be, if you have other children after you're married, what last name would they get? I'd give this baby the last name that answers that last question

[isoldereverie.livejournal.com]

Until the marriage license is signed, I'd give the baby your name. You will be a package deal for the rest of your lives, might as well match! I hope that things go the way you plan and you and your fiance do get married. However, something could change those plans.

It sounds like a bit of a "gamble" either way in this situation. If you do use his name and something happens and you don't get married, then you have the hassle of trying to change the last name (if you want to.) Then if you use your name and things do go as planned, you have the expense of changing the baby's name to daddy's last name. I guess it depends on how much of the wedding you have planned. Is that a "someday in the future" thing or do you have a date and deposits on the reception hall?

[title-track-1.livejournal.com]

It's a someday in the future thing. We're in no hurry to have the wedding because of the baby things are already stressful & penny pinching as is.
We are just waiting for a time when things settle and we can focus on the wedding.

I'm pretty set on just giving my last name until we're married but i haven't talked to him about it and i don't want to upset him.
His feelings are the only reason i'm questioning whether or not to.

[weena.livejournal.com]

My husband and I are TTC. We each kept our last names. Potential kiddo would get his or her own last name. Right now we're leaning toward family names that are going extinct, like his mom's maiden name.

[lneef.livejournal.com]

I think it depends on whether you plan to take his last name when you marry him. I think it's quite nice (and convenient) for a family to all have the same last name.

As to the patriarchal (in origin) tradition of the woman taking the man's last name, I really don't see the point in quibbling over sexism... if bearing a man's last name implies your his property in some way, then you're either your father's property or your husband's. Not taking your husband's name really doesn't free you of that patriarchal tradition.

At any rate, since a woman isn't a man's property anymore, I think she can pretty much choose the name she wants for the reason she wants. I share my husband's name (though I kept my maiden name as a middle) and the fact that we share a name is the most important thing to me (well, that and the fact that I love having a common, easy-to-spell last name rather than the one I grew up with).

[taraemily.livejournal.com]

I think it all depends on the situation. I thought long and hard about what surname I will be giving my son, I considered hyphens, using my surname then changing it afterwards or using my fiance's surname. I have decided to use his surname, we won't be married for a few more years, but I plan on spending the rest of my life with him and I would change my name, so financially this is easier. I also don't have a big tie to my surname as I don't speak to my father anymore, so that did help my decision. My fiance was really supportive and said he didn't mind what I decided, but I believe he would have been really hurt if I used my surname.